Good times, and welcome back!
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I'm wearing a Patriots jersey.
ESPN just ran a vaguely homo-erotic montage of some of the top prospects shirtless. This should be an interesting ride. Kiper's drooling at the thought of all of this "upside."
Keyshawn "I Swear I Used to be a Top-Flight Receiver" Johnson and Steve "Concussion" Young in the booth with Berman and Kiper. Can't wait for hilarity to ensue. Roger Goodell's trying to make humorous small talk to the drunken Jets fans in the crowd. This can't end well.
Let's start the nonsense…
1. Detroit Lions: the suspense is out of the pick, as the Lions have agreed to a guaranteed $41.7 million for an under-achieving quarterback from an under-achieving SEC team. My Lions fandom is off to a great start. He's gonna need that cannon of an arm…I sure hope he knows how to take a sack. Mel Kiper just backtracked on everything he's drooled out over the last 6 months, saying Stafford may not be Hall-of-Fame, but he could be good with proper coaching. Plus, my wife just asked how old Stafford was…15? Because an NFL team wants a quarterback that looks like he can't buy smokes yet. Great pick, fellas. You can make an average quarterback good with a solid offensive line, but stick a Pro-Bowler like Marc Bulger behind a patchwork line, and he can't stay on the field.
2. St. Louis Rams: What don't they need? With the loss of Orlando Pace, the Rams have a massive hole on the offensive line, Marc Bulger can't stay on the field, and they have maybe 3 viable defensive players on their roster.
The pick: Jason Smith, OT from Baylor. Predictable but solid choice. Smith should provide some stability, and if he sucks at left tackle, there's always right tackle, both guards, and the center, so the Rams have some flexibility. Which Marc Bulger doesn't have anymore.
3. Kansas City Chiefs: Another team that could use a number of positions, the Chiefs may go defense to shore up a unit that has sucked over the last few years. Herm Edwards is talking…what are the odds he talks too long and talks over the Chief's pick? But the Chiefs could easily go with Michael Crabtree to pair with new QB Matt Cassell and WR Dwayne Bowe.
The pick: Tyson Jackson, DE from LSU. Another strong choice. What am I going to make fun of if these GMs keep picking players who fulfill a need?
4. Seattle Seahawks: Putting my Streak for the Cash streak of 4 on the line here, predicting a quarterback to the Men in Blue to back up Matt Hasselbeck. Because we know what happens if he gets hurt again: See NFC West.
The pick: Aaron Curry, OLB from Wake Forest. Welp, there went my streak. Thanks, you Holmgren-less Bluehawks. Thanks a lot.
5. New York Jets from Cleveland Browns: No telling how they're going to screw this pick up. They may try and draft me, being stunned by my 5.2 40 yard dash in high school 10 years ago. Logically, Crabtree may land here, to try and give Anderson/Quinn another target alongside the soon-to-be-departed Braylon "Dropsies" Edwards.
The pick: Trade to New York Jets, who take Mark Sanchez. Solid choice, but Kellen Clemmons is looking over his shoulder. And by that, I mean looking over Sanchez's shoulder at the field. The announcers just said for the 3,658th time that you can't win without a quarterback in this league. Really? You have to field someone to catch the snap? Just letting the ball roll around until someone on your team hopefully picks it up isn't a valid strategy? Thanks for that nugget, fellas.
6. Cincinnati Bengals: Looks like Andre Smith's family just gave away the pick. The OT from Alabama could be a decent pick, if he decides to stay on the field.
The pick: Smith, who's smiling like Fat Albert.
7. Oakland Raiders: No telling here, absolutely none. My guess? Al Davis drafts a new tracksuit and signs it to a $100 million guaranteed contract.
The pick: Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR from Maryland. WHAT? Even I expected Davis to fully take Crabtree here, since he thinks he can run a 4.4 40 on crutches. It's too bad DHB won't have any passes to catch, with JaMarcus Russell "throwing" him the ball. At least I have someone to make fun of now. Thanks, Al.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars: Crabtree. I'm bound to get this right if I keep projecting him, right? Pair him with new addition Tory Holt, and MC can both learn AND impact a team in desperate need of solid wide receivers.
The pick: Eugene Monroe, OT from Virginia. C'mon, I'm a huge proponent of drafting linemen. I can't work with this stuff. Mel Kiper just went down a list of which former NFL linemen Monroe isn't. Great work, Mel, you're telling us Eugene Monroe is Eugene Monroe, not Anthony Munoz? How does this man make a living?!?!?
9. Green Bay Packers: With Dom Capers switching the team to a 3-4, the Pack are sure to go defense, probably B.J. Raji. Unless Brett Favre declares himself eligible though a loophole.
The pick: Raji, DT from Boston College. Guess Favre is staying retired this time.
10. San Francisco 49ers: My streak is palpitating. Crabtree's on the board, and would give whoever the hell the 49ers trot out at quarterback an actual option aside from Vernon Davis.
The pick: Crabtree, WR from Texas Tech. Although he only 'slid' to 10th, if he stays healthy, Crabtree could be the steal of the draft. Either Shaun Hill or Alex Smith's tiny hands just became a valid fantasy quarterback.
11. Buffalo Bills: Aaron Maybin's on the phone, looks like the DE may be the next pick. With the recent pick up of Terrell Owens, the Bills' offense should be dynamite for 6 weeks, so the defense is a no-brainer pick.
The pick: Maybin, DE from Penn State. Hey, at least he's not a PSU running back, so he's got a chance to be productive.
12. Denver Broncos: Broncos. NFL draft. Get ready for a running back, likely Knowshon Moreno.
The pick: Moreno, RB from Georgia. Not a bad pick, but he won't be the next Herschel Walker, folks. Plus, Robert Ayers can continue taking his head off in practice. Good times.
13. Washington Redskins: who knows, with Snyder calling the shots. They've tried to get rid of Jason Campbell twice this offseason, so they'll probably take a safety.
The pick: Brian Orakpo, DE from Texas. Not a big name, so I'm not sure what Chainsaw Dan Snyder's going for here. But in the NFC East, strengthening your defense is never a bad idea.
14. New Orleans Saints: DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE!!!!
The pick: Malcolm Jenkins, DB from Ohio State. Now hopefully the Saints can try and stop people instead of winning games 42-38.
15. Houston Texans: I'm predicting the Texans draft a new name here. You're named after the state you're in? Brilliant, guys, just brilliant. I heard the University of Tennessee is changing to the UT Tennesseans, next year.
The pick: Brian Cushing, LB from Southern California. Another logical pick, the Texans beefing up a needy defense to go with a growing offense.
16. San Diego Chargers: Wide receiver? Corner? New distributor for Shawn Merriman?
The pick: Larry English, DE from Northern Illinois. Crap. I really can't make fun of this draft. The Chargers needed an end to help an aging defense, and got one.
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers from Cleveland Browns from New York Jets: Kiper thinks they're going defense, so I say offense, maybe Chris Beanie Wells from Ohio State. They need another injury-prone running back.
The pick: Josh Freeman, QB from Kansas State. A semi-risky pick, especially as John Gruden loves old quarterbacks. But this may actually give them a chance to grow on offense, and with Kellen Winslow now taking up the tight end spot, this offense could be dangerous fast. But I was closer than Kiper. Time to apply to ESPN.
18. Denver Broncos: Somewhat akin to the Saints, the Broncos need DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE!!!!
The pick: Robert Ayers, DE from Tennessee. I may be biased here, but this easily passes the 49ers getting Crabtree as the steal of the draft. The Broncos once took a defensive standout from Tennessee by the name of Al Wilson, who became one of the fiercest hitters in the NFL. Good job, Coach "Patriots Cast-off" McDaniels. P.S. Robert, destroy Knowshon in practice daily, please.
19. Philadelphia Eagles: Say it with me now, kids, Wiiiii-duh Re-see-vurrrr…unless they can swing a deal for Anquan Boldin.
The pick: Jeremy Maclin, WR from Missouri. Hey, if he can do what DeSean Jackson did (minus the pre-touchdown ball-spike), the Eagles may have added another dimension to a lacking vertical game. Plus, he's white, and we always need more quality white receivers in the NFL.
20. Detroit Lions: So many holes, so few picks. Does it really matter? Offensive line might be the best way to go here, but the defense needs serious work. Maualuga?
The pick: Brandon Pettigrew, TE from Oklahoma State. Apparently the Lions have decided to go all offense with key early picks. Pettigrew may actually be a good fit, as I've heard he's adept at both blocking and pass catching, providing an additional threat for Stafford to throw to when Calvin Johnson's eleven-tuple covered.
21. Cleveland Browns: The Browns may need a replacement for Braylon Edwards, if they're able to unload his Butterfingers.
The pick: Alex Mack, OC from California. I'm not sure what an 'OC' is, but I'm assuming it's a center. And that's never a bad pick, especially when you need to keep your two young quarterbacks upright.
22. Minnesota Vikings: Get a quarterback! Get a quarterback! Get a quarterback! Get a quarterback!
The pick: Percy Harvin, WR from Florida. Another standout wide receiver from Florida sure to follow in the footsteps of other greats such as…um…well…Jabar Gaffney?
23. Baltimore Ravens from New England Patriots: Late trade I didn't catch, so no snarky comment(s).
The pick: Michael Oher, OT from Ole Miss. Blah. Nothing to say here.
24. Atlanta Falcons: Can they keep rising and soaring? A terrific rookie quarterback, Michael "The Burner" Turner, and new addition Tony Gonzalez could lead the way back to playoff relevance.
The pick: Peria Jerry from Ole Miss. Two Runnin' Rebels in a row? Who knew Ole Miss even had two players eligible for the draft? And I'm not talking academically, I'm talking athletically.
25. Miami Dolphins: Whoever the hell they pick, Bill Parcells will turn him into a Football Player. Because Bill Parcells is a Football Genius.
The pick: Vontae Davis, CB from Illinois. A strong pick. Especially in the AFC East, with Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, and Wes Welker in the division.
26. Green Bay from Baltimore Ravens: Beanie Wells may go here, with the Ravens looking to shore up some questionable running back depth. And believe me on this one, I had all 632 Ravens running backs on my fantasy team at some point last year.
The pick: Clay Matthews, OLD from Southern California. Matthews' clan has pre-made T-shirts. He might want to turn it into a heavy, heavy sweater for the Green Bay weather. With Raji, Matthews may lead to a new era of Packer defense. (Resisting packing 'joke' here…fighting urge…fighting…moving on to next pick…)
27. Indianapolis Colts: The Colts could use some offensive line help, as Jeff Saturday isn't getting any younger. If he was, he'd be a rich, rich man, because he'd have discovered the fountain of youth. But you figured that out already. Defense is a concern, too, because there are only so many transplanted bionic body parts for Bob Sanders to have implanted. Look for Maualuga to go off the board here.
The pick: Donald Brown, RB from UConn. Surprised the Colts went offense here, with their needs on defense, but Brown may provide an additional boost for a Colts' offense that is sneakily getting older.
28. Buffalo Bills from Philadelphia: With the Bills' early defensive pick, they may look to continue to beef it up with Maualuga or Laurinaitis. Or they could go offensive line to address the loss of Jason Peters to the Eagles.
The pick: Eric Wood, C from Louisville. They just showed his picture, and I think he was Chunk from The Goonies. Plus, we just got a great commercial with Drew "The Devil Incarnate" Rosenhaus. Good times, again.
29. New York Giants: WIDE RECEIVER. With the loss of Plaxico Burress, Elisha Manning now has no one to consistently catch his errant passes. Look for Hakeem Nicks here.
The pick: Hakeem Nicks, WR from North Carolina, and The Radio City Buffoons are in full force. Plus, I called another one. Admittedly, I didn't do that prior to the draft, but what good does that really do?
30. Tennessee Titans: Defensive minded, I don't see the Titans changing course here. There isn't really a standout wide receiver left to give to Collins/Young, so they'll probably go with Maualuga or Lauranaitis. And who painted on Sal Paolantonio's eyebrows? Those things look like caterpillars on steroids. Even my eyebrows are jealous of the guns on those things. Plus, the announcers just set a record for "Jeff Fisher" references in the span of 30 seconds at somewhere around 5 million while mentioning Anquan Boldin. I'm about to have a heart attack. A lot of Beanie Wells talk for a team with Shake and Bake. I mean Smash and Dash. Or fat and fast. Whatever.
The pick: Kenny Britt, WR from Rutgers. A 6'3 receiver from Jersey. Britt may be able to help the Titans' passing game, but rookie receivers have a history of needing at least one or two years to fully adjust to the NFL.
31. Arizona Cardinals: The defending NFC Champion Cardin…what? Oh yeah. The defending NFC Champion ARIZONA CARDINALS need help fending off the coming locust hordes and raining frogs. Chris 'Beanie' Wells may be able to provide protection from both with help from his rehabilitation equipment.
The pick: Chris Wells, RB from Ohio State. At least disappointment won't be new to him in the desert, so he should fit right in with the 'Cards.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers: Look for another solid pick from one of the most consistent franchises in sports. Think Maualuga or Lauranaitis. One of them is bound to go first round…
The pick: Ziggy Hood, DT from Missouri. A big body's always good for the defensive line to be able to take up space and create piles. Plus, I get to make a joke I'm sure is all over the internet already. But that's what you're paying me for, people. You want better? Gimme a raise.