April 16, 2009

Real American…No More

This can't end well...

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I was not a huge professional wrestling fan, but I always enjoyed the rare Saturday morning growing up when I would get to watch a match with Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, or Bret 'The Hitman' Hart. I enjoyed it much more later on in my high school life in the late '90s, and actually got into a weekly routine of watching RAW at a buddy's house during the Degeneration X/Edge and Christian/Hardy Boyz/Stone Cold versus The Rock versus Vinnie Mac days. But those days are long gone. And for some reason I could never figure out, the former wrestling ICON…and he was HA-YUGE in the 80's/90's for you kids who don't know…always seemed to have an odd affinity for feather

Hulk, I'll leave you one piece of advice: don't do it. You might have thought it was cute or whatever to say you "understand" OJ, but the world won't care if you're just being cute and referencing Chris Rock. Spousal abuse is not a laughing matter. Unless delivered by Chris Rock. By the way, that link is vintage CR, so don't click if you are offended by blue material.

But I can't leave on a sour note, so here's something a little sad, but from someone who's given football fans hours upon hours of enjoyment.

Say it ain't so, Jo(hn)

So the great John Madden's retiring after forty years in the NFL? I'm blaming the breakout success of Frank TV. An all-time legend, Madden's career, once defined by a Super Bowl ring with the Raiders and a wonderful broadcasting career, came to a semi-sweet end after his video game franchise blasted through the roof. Madden's play-by-play ability seemed to go downhill after he became convinced he was constantly recording voice-overs for the game, and kept repeating "BOOM!" after "BOOM!" even though Pat Summerall kept attempting to tell him it was live, and he didn't need to keep saying "Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre" on end for hours at a time. Which was probably what drove Pat to drink.

But on a more serious note, I'd like to announce I have signed my own contract with Electronic Arts to introduce my very own video game: EA Sports' Jared Hefley TV Watching 2014. And if you think that's exciting, wait until the 2015 version: it's rumored to include enhanced beverage control. That's right. Getcha popcorn ready!

So now, without further ado, here's you post-title related video:

Real American

And of course, your Post Dose of the Simpsons!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

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