gumbo-of-the-mind

LEGO. Major League Baseball. You Know You Want It.

2012-02-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago, Gus Ramsey brought up a question on the B.S. Report that should have been completed years ago: Why aren't there LEGO(c) versions of MLB stadiums?

To that end, Gus and I have spearheaded a grassroots effort to make this all-too-important dream a reality. i mean, really, what Pittsburgh Pirates fan wouldn't want a LEGO version of PNC Park?

And not to anger half of Pennsylvania, but for you Phillies here is Citizen's Bank in Philadelphia:

Credit for the above stadiums goes to Jason Burik & Burik Model Design.

If you want to be part of the growing LEGO & MLB mission, you can follow us at @Lego_MLB on Twitter, like us on Facebook at LEGO, Please Create MLB Licensed Stadium Sets.

It's Thursday!

2012-02-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

Since it's a random Thursday in February, I decided to update the blog. It had been about two years with the same fireworks picture/layout/yadda, so why not?

I also wanted to post just to let you know I'm serious this time. I really am. I'm not just going to promise you blogs and follow through. Again. I'm not going to say I'm going to the gas station for cigarettes and somehow end up in Florida with the rest of the deadbeat bloggers.

Feed Me, Seymour!

2012-01-29T14:18:00.001-05:00

I'm hungry for your feedback. In the coming weeks (or months, I don't really know) I plan on returning to the good-old-fashioned blogosphere, just like your mammy and pappy used ta. In the meantime, send me your fodder...err, questions...to gumboblog@gmail.com. I promise I'll take it easy on you with my silver tongue lashings...responses. Maybe.

Who-onzo Martin?

2011-03-27T21:02:00.001-04:00

Here is the link to Andy Katz's article about why Bruce Pearl was fired from the University of Tennessee.

In the article, Katz notes "the final straw for the university came earlier this month when, a source told ESPN.com, the staff committed an NCAA violation on March 6 in regards to a player pass list for the home game against Kentucky. It was a procedural matter, but enough was enough apparently and that tipped the scale toward the firing of Pearl and his staff."

Today, March 27^th, Tim Gardner of USA Today reported that Tennessee has hired Cuonzo Martin of Missouri State to be its next head basketball coach. Now, I don't know Cuonzo from Billy, other than the fact that he took Missouri State from 11 to 26 wins in two seasons. Is that impressive? I don't know. What I do know is this logic progression (use of the word "logic" disputable):

He was hired one week after Pearl was fired.
A one-week coaching search for a major university is extremely short.
A one-week coaching search means one of three things:
1. Martin is an amazing candidate that blew away the administration and should prove successful nearly immediately.
2. The candidate search was not carried out well. This will show itself in the further lowering of a successful program that has made the NCAA tournament for each of the last six years.
3. The university was carrying out interviews before Pearl was fired.

My guess? Perhaps because I still back Pearl and would have chosen to keep him, (assuming more damning evidence does not come out that would make keeping Pearl to seem the most asinine option), C. This is a further back-stab of a coach who was suspended, fined, banned from recruiting, and whose contract was terminated yet still chose to stay and coach said university. If Hamilton was indeed interviewing candidates behind Pearl's back, this sheds further light on an Athletic Director who stated that Pearl's job was still under consideration one day before the team was due to play Michigan in a first-round tournament game, fracturing the fan base and distracting the team to the tune of a 30-point defeat. Hamilton has made a mockery of his position, and I have made no secret of the fact that as an alumnus of the University of Tennessee I am upset with the direction Hamilton has taken. Perhaps Martin will turn out to be a terrific fit with the team and is able to keep players such as Kevin Ware, who said "As long as they hire a good coach I can trust, I'll want to be at Tennessee." Ware had previous sent a letter to the NCAA requesting to be let out of his letter-of-intent after Pearl's firing. Did Hamilton make the right choice? We won't know for years. What do you think?

Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History

2011-03-18T20:42:00.001-04:00

This post should be a short-but-sweet recommendation for any history buffs out there.

I've subscribed to Common Sense with Dan Carlin (a political podcast, iTunes link here) for a few months now. The show's host prides himself on "Original and outside-the-box thinking on current events and history," but in reality, Mr. Carlin typically shows himself to be a rational thinker who takes the time to digest both sides of whichever two issues he presents bi-monthly. Additionally, the two issues generally coincide to some degree, although it can be a tenuous link from show to show. Recent shows have covered the Wisconsin budget debate/union debacle, and public participation in governmental policy. However, the real reason I'm recommending Dan Carlin is his "Hardcore History" podcast.

Hardcore History (here is the iTunes link) is a new look at some of history's most fascinating periods. The series generally updates every two months, so there is a wealth of back-logged shows on iTunes currently. The first series I listened to was Carlin's "Ghosts of the Ostfront", which chronicles the Russian-German battle to the death on the eastern edge of World War II. The depth of research is fantastic, and the imagery is at times shocking. I'm currently in the midst of "Death Throes of the Republic," in which Carlin takes an in-depth look at the Roman Empire as it teetered on the edge of collapse.

I cannot recommend either of these podcasts highly enough, and if pressed I would go with Hardcore History, even if the releases are so distant from one another. If you're interested in a well-structured point of view that may not be your own, or are looking for a historical piece to stretch your knowledge, check out Dan Carlin, and his corresponding podcasts, available on iTunes.

The Hunger and the Thirst

2011-03-17T21:45:00.001-04:00

March 17^th, 2011.

St. Patrick's Day

It's been 9 days since we all made our choice. For some it was easy, for others, it's still a struggle. But we've all made our bed, and now we're lying in it.

There are rumors flying about why…rumors that maybe this happened last year, too. But with everyone's attention span reduced by Twitter and inane status updates, no one has a truly clear recollection of what happened before last week.

The blurred memories, the shattered lives, it all adds up to one thing:

Zombie Lent. Maybe you're afraid to admit it, maybe you have your own horror story to live through, but we've come as a species to a defining point in our evolution…

Do we continue on our path of sacrifice? Or do we cave, and let the hunger and thirst win out, forever weakening our spirit?

In the nine days since yours truly gave up soda, I've managed to stave off bouts of murderous rage while craving that bubbly feeling you get when the carbonation hits the back of your throat. You know, that tickly, life-altering delicious tingle that lets you know you're truly alive. Without that, I've been reduced to sagging onto the floor, desperately trying not to tackle poor bystanders with a Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Squirt, or even, God-forbid, a Tab. My motor-skills are reduced to the point where I walk like that weird ghost-chick in The Grudge. Everything I eat seems to turn to ash in my mouth.

All my brain can focus on is 31 days away. I don't know if I can make it. And if I don't, I fear for mankind. So prepare yourself.

Reel Review: Avatar, or Matrixes with Ferngully Wolves

2010-03-06T00:54:00.001-05:00

The Terminator. Aliens. The Abyss. Terminator 2: Judgment Day. True Lies…

James Cameron, I doubted you. After Titanic, I unofficially swore off any contact with you aside from your pre-existing work. For those of you who don't know, I worked at a movie theater for 2 ½ years during high school. While it was a great job, it did have some downsides: listening to "Wild Wild West" on a seemingly endless repeat, Phil Collin's "You'll Be in My Heart" playing while watching never-ending promos for Tarzan, and most of all, the disaster that was Titanic (JAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKK!!!!!). From the day the movie was released, December 19^th, 1997, that movie tormented me for 6 months. No other movie during my tenure at the Carmike Cinemas 8 in Clarksville, Tennessee managed to revive itself from the smallest theaters to the main theaters with stops in the mid-size theaters as many times as the Leo DiCaprio/Kate Winslet slobberfest did. Countless weekends of cleaning inordinate amounts of discarded tear tissues passed while I wanted to jam a molten-hot enema in each of my ears as Celine Dion's " My Heart Will Go On" droned on and on (by the way, I managed to hear about 5 seconds of that clip before I puked). The movie left mere days before my 17^th birthday, which still ranks as the greatest gift the universe has bestowed upon me.

What does this have to do with Avatar? Unfortunately for Cameron's passion project, Titanic served as one of two reasons why I actively chose not to watch Sam Worthington-led project. What was the second reason, you may ask? My unyielding desire to detach myself from any public drool-fest, which means, yes, I am a self-aggrandizing ego-maniac whose 3 blog followers means I'm sitting on a gold mine. But I digress. On a rare night when I had to entertain myself while my wife had a birthday girls' night, I decided, mostly due to the film's start time, that I'd give in and judge the phenomenon for myself. And I'm glad to say that I was wrong about the film's reception. As is well-known, the film's visual element is absolutely stunning. I caught a 3D showing of the movie, and aside from small effects that flittered seemingly in front of your face, the added depth of the 3D effects helped to completely immerse yours truly in the movie, after the necessary adjustment period at the outset. But where most complaints I've heard have dealt with the plot, I found the story compelling and much deeper than expected.

Yes, the heavy-handed treatment of the military was over-the-top. However, aside from the (necessary) use of English as the primary language and the primarily Caucasian cast of soldiers, there is very little to identify the guerilla-Marines as critiques of US forces. Cameron expertly wove together a story of colonialism, xenophobia, classism, racism, greed, and exploitation. Can the story be seen as critical of American/Middle East relations (or better, tensions) over fossil fuels? Absolutely. At one point, Giovanni Ribisi's character notes that to create an excuse to take a prized resource, all leaders or politicians need to do is frame the native population as a threat, and invasion or occupation is an easy, or even needed, precaution…preemptive strikes, anyone? Further, the movie's central conflict lies in man's seemingly innate desire to conquer nature, believing that "traditional" knowledge is innately inferior to scientific learning and progress. Easy research into Seasonal Affective Disorder shows that humans are invariably sensitive to the natural environment, and while SAD in no way can truly compare to the communion the Na'vi share with their homeworld of Pandora, it begins to illuminate the disconnect that we as a species has promulgated on ourselves as we've strove to build more and more technology to "improve" our lives. The incredible sense of community that Cameron wrote into the indigenous peoples of his fictional world shouldn't serve as a laughing point, but rather a goal in the sense that while we may never achieve a "human hive mind" of sorts, we can look to become more aware of our impact on each other as individuals and as larger collectives.

As an urban planner/community developer, this may seem at odds with my chosen profession and its built-in need for expansion, but it should serve as a reminder to continuously look to the effects our built environments have on the minds, mental states, and physical well-being of our fellow citizens. As I've waxed on faux-etically about my love for a movie I've only left an hour and a half ago, I'll wrap this up.

But just remember, Mr. James Cameron, you still owe me for the emotional trauma of Titanic. Big-time. I can't forgive you just yet. I need more time. But at least Avatar put us on speaking terms again.

Special Effects: A++++++++++++ (you've seen the clips, dogg)

Story: A- (see above)

Acting: B+ (The colonel(?) in the movie, though completely over-the-top, is absolutely believable. And Sigourney Weaver pulling an Ellen Ripley homage was wonderful.)

Pacing/Plot: A (for a 2 ½ hour movie, I didn't have a single urge to whiz)

Overall: A (And a very strong contender for the 2010 Academy Award for Best Picture)

Reverb Ramblings – Pearl Jam’s “Backspacer”

2009-10-10T00:48:00.001-04:00

So I'm introducing a new semi-regular section: the Reverb Ramblings. And by semi-regular I mean "No more regularly than I have been, and completely and totally sporadically." And for the first issue, Pearl Jam's new album, Backspacer, is going to take the honors of breaking the Ramblings out of the gate.

Backspacer is the follow-up to PJ's eponymous 2006 effort. The album shows off a new, seemingly "lighter" version of the band that helped define the early 90s Grunge Era. However, the sound works well, as it's not an entirely new sonic direction for the band, echoing much of the tone of 1996's "Yield." Check out the video for the first single, The Fixer, here. The Fixer, the album's third track, shows The Jam leading their faithful horde of Caucasian rock fans in a high-energy anthem with Eddie Vedder's usual attempts at a vibrato singing voice. The majority of the album follows Yield's lead with ringing guitars, and a relaxation of Stone Gossard's distortion pedal, although there are some deliciously crunchy riffs to keep most Pearl Jam fans happy. "Gonna See My Friend," the leadoff track, opens up the album with a run through an exploration of addiction in Pearl Jam fashion. The middle of the album slows sonically, with "Just Breathe" providing an almost bluegrassy feel, while "Amongst the Waves" shows off PJ at their summery, surfer rock best. "Supersonic" and "Speed of Sound" pick the pace back up before the aptly titled "The End" sends the album off on a more melancholy tone, easing the listener out rather than abruptly ending with some out-of-place rocker.

Okay, now for some strong words that will surely alienate any Pearl Jam fan from ever reading my ramblings again…"Backspacer" may be Pearl Jam's best work since…"Ten." You heard me. 18 years in, and PJ has finally created the album, that, from start to finish, is their best and most complete work since their seminal album. Look, I love "Yield" and parts of "Vitalogy," but really, both albums have their weak points. Now, only time will well if "Backspacer" holds up as Versus, Ten, Vitalogy, and Yield have, but at least for me, the 2009 version of Vedder, Gossard, McCready, and Cameron has found a new, fantastic stride. But let's get real: we all know Pearl Jam will continue to step out of line and try something different-but-the-same for whatever album comes next. But I'll be waiting with baited breath to spin their next black circle.

Michael Vick and Social Justice, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Make Some Inappropriate Jokes…

2009-08-18T20:10:00.001-04:00

E como mai, and welcome back!

To me, that is.

So, a couple of weeks ago, my wife "expressed her displeasure", or hit me over the head with a mop...okay, that's lie, she makes me do the cleaning…ok, that's another lie, she cleans the entire house then glares at me when I make an ill-fated joke about something. She will bury me one day, just so you know.

But, I digress. Only slightly, though. The reason I mention my constant beatings at the hands of my wife (just kidding honey, please put down the frying pan...) is because she wondered why I write about sports so much. Now, I've never meant for this site to be entirely sports-centric, but often times, I fear that I'll come across too partisan on some issues. Plus, I reallyreallyreallyreallyreally like sports. However, I think I've found a nice, non-controversial way to meld sports and social justice issues in this post.

I fully agree that Michael Vick should be allowed to play in the NFL.

Now, I'm not taking any surprise position, or breaking any news. Vick has been cleared (as I'm sure you know by know...if not, climb out from under your rock, Rip Van Winkle) to practice, play in the final two preseason NFL games, and could be un-suspend-erized by week 6 of the season. However, many people, including some trusted friends of mine, find this hard to swallow. Like a pit-bull-sized vitamin.

I realize that what Vick did was evil, calculated, he lied about it, funded it, participated in the maiming and killing of dogs, and owned something called a " rape-stand." But the American system is founded on second chances. A buddy of mine argued that if he were convicted, he would not be able to work for the same company. And he's correct. But only in practice. There is no law saying a convicted felon cannot work. Will most people hire a felon? No. And the NFL allowing Vick to sign with a team is not the same as being employed. It is only allowing him the opportunity to pursue a career. Of course, Vick's situation is different than yours and ours, as he is (was) a highly paid professional athlete. But let's be serious, Ted Kennedy may have killed someone in Chappaquiddick in the 70's, and is still a highly respected Democratic Congressman. If someone is talented enough, it doesn't typically matter what they do short of mass-murder to dampen their employment prospects.

But this leads me to my final point: if Vick (or average citizen Joe Shmoe III) served his time in federal prison and completed any requirements set forth by his potential employer, why shouldn't he have the right to work? Prison should function as a rehabilitory system, not a only a holding cell (and by the way, that link was actually real—a program out of Tulane University called "Project Return"). Rehabilitative programs, though underfunded, have been proven to work towards processing inmates back into the larger civilian population. If we focus on prisons as simply punishment with no opportunity for betterment...which we have mostly done for the last, oh, couple hundred years...then we will see the creation and growth of a violent, prison-based underclass that is unqualified for work outside of prison and pressing license plates. Oh, wait, that's what we have now...

We must shift our focus away from punishing criminals (although some do desperately need it) and begin working to train and educate those confined in dank cells with little to no nourishment. Why do so many criminals have an inordinately high recidivism rate, or likelihood of returning to jail? Because there is a stigma attached to prison time that, while somewhat natural, can and should be eliminated. Michael Vick has done has time served by the American legal system, and the NFL and PETA do not possess a higher authority although they may seem to think so. Vick has begun to show he is (at least in public) contrite and remorseful for his foul acts, and we can ask for nothing more.

New Blog Email

2009-07-05T19:14:00.002-04:00

Hello, world!

Just a quick note: Gumbo of the Mind now has its own email. Do you have questions you're afraid to ask anyone other than your cat for fear of judgment? Are you curious about the inner-workings of the Chinese mafia and want to know more of what I expect them to be and do? Or do you have a completely random question that doesn't fit into the above categories? Please, send your inquiries to gumboblog@gmail.com and get ready to have your mind blown!

Return of the Mack

2009-06-12T16:44:00.001-04:00

It's been a long time

I shouldn't have left you

Without some dope blogs to step to.

E komo mai, (welcome) and good times!

I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies in an only half-sincere sort of way for not blogging recently. But I won't. There have been some pretty big changes afoot in my life that have kept me from spilling my egotistical guts on the world-wide interwebs. For those of you who know, too bad, I'm gonna rehash the events for my legions of reader. Poor soul.

First off, I finally completed my grad school classes. Yeah, I know, Hooray For Me! Now, for those of you who know my style, you're probably saying "Why wouldn't he capitalize every letter?" Well, I still have a lot of work to do on my thesis project. I'm not going to divulge exactly what it is in case the thesis polices are lurking around, lying in wait to steal my horrendously beautiful idea. Sucks to be you. But anyway, I'm out of Illinois, away from the Windy City, the City of Big Shoulders, the Home of Bill Murray, the den of Hurricane Ditka and settling into the Motor City. But fret not, I'm nestling snugly into that hockey-ravenous arm-pit of the Midwest, Detroit. As t Matthew Lillard said at the end of SLC Punk (a severely underrated movie, btw (interweb code for blue tango watermelon, I think—not sure why it's applicable here, but whatever), "I realized I could do a lot more damage inside of the system than outside of it." So yeah, I'm planning on bringing down the Red Wing Empire single-handedly. If my wife doesn't put a stop to my plans first. But since they're not well-developed, she'll have a hard time stopping them. I can just wing it (pun definitely NOT intended) and when I'm done, say it was my master plan all along. Except that I just gave you my plan. Meaning I have one. Or do I?

Secondly off, apparently, married couples go on what's called a "Honeymoon" to celebrate their new union. Well, we didn't do that right away. We decided to wait seven months to see if the wifey decided to off me before then. Well, I made it, we went to Kauai, and if you ever have the chance…go. I can't say enough about how beautiful the island is. It's much less developed than O'ahu, and from what I've heard, not nearly as resorty as Maui. Waimea Canyon, Wailua River Valley, Po'ipu Beach …all gorgeous. And if you want a great trip, hook up with Captain Andy's for a sunset dinner cruise. We were supposed to see the NaPali Cliffs on the north side of the island, but due to super-duper-windy conditions, settled for the southern shore, and a dolphin extravaganza as a gaggle of Spinner dolphins (dolphins travel in gaggles, right?) swam alongside us for 10-15 minutes. Super-duper-cool. Final advice: if you ever fly to Kauai, try to go as non-stop as possible to Lihue, as changing flights in San Francisco and Honolulu makes for an extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely long day, and four to five hour flights don't let you get enough sleep.

Tertiarily off, there's nothing quite like a "job search" to invigorate a newly graduated master's student. Except, of course, a "job search" in one of the two worst job markets since the Beginning of Time. Otherwise known as Tim Tebow's birthday to those buffoons in North Cuba. But really, why wouldn't I be excited to find employment when the national unemployment rate is somewhere around 6,482%? Which, I think, means there are four jobs available nationwide.

Now, do yourself a favor and check out the new album, The Ecstatic, from Mos Def. I'll have a full review for your cranial pleasure soon. Until then, mahalo, and aloha!

And the Circus is Coming to Minneapolis…

2009-06-09T18:49:00.001-04:00

The Brett Saga refuses to go away. Favre WILL PLAY this year. He has not confirmed it yet, but two quick links will show that the madness I am contributing to on the intrawebs refuses to die:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4245047 – Favre's family has reserved 25-30 rooms near Lambeau Field in Green Bay "in case" Brett plays for the Minnesota Vikings.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4175616 – While ESPN.com has backed off the "imminent" surgery, Favre would be unlikely to have surgery if he was planning on hanging out in his Wranglers throwing a little backyard pigskin.

I'll now go dunk my head in ice-cold water and be back soon with more real, non-sports related blogs, just needed to vent a little frustration and make a BOLD prediction!

Mahalo!

War Pigs

2009-04-30T18:55:00.002-04:00

Not good times, and welcome back!

So TIME magazine's wanting us to not blame the pigs for the swine flu outbreak. Apparently Egypt's slaughtering all 300,000 pigs in country, even though there's no reported outbreak yet, according to the article. Personally? I say good. Now, you might say "Oh, it's just a mutant viral strain that crossed over, it was bound to occur eventually." Whatever. I know that the porcine population has finally begun to enact its evil revenge. I mean c'mon, look at their leader! For years, they've laid low, pretending to be cute and cuddly. But the pig got out of the bag a few years ago. We let the warning signs slip by, but we're ready to strike back. You may have Porky on your side, but we've got Yosemite Sam AND Elmer Fudd.

So be prepared, because we're sick of those Michael Jackson masks, and we've got the firepower to deal with you, you little mud-rollers!

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

NFL Draft Blog

2009-04-25T19:38:00.003-04:00

Chris Berman just screamed "Are you ready for some NFL draft?" And I think he may have caused Mel Kiper, Jr.'s hair to move slightly, but I'm not sure.

Good times, and welcome back!

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I'm wearing a Patriots jersey.

ESPN just ran a vaguely homo-erotic montage of some of the top prospects shirtless. This should be an interesting ride. Kiper's drooling at the thought of all of this "upside."

Keyshawn "I Swear I Used to be a Top-Flight Receiver" Johnson and Steve "Concussion" Young in the booth with Berman and Kiper. Can't wait for hilarity to ensue. Roger Goodell's trying to make humorous small talk to the drunken Jets fans in the crowd. This can't end well.

Let's start the nonsense…

1. Detroit Lions: the suspense is out of the pick, as the Lions have agreed to a guaranteed $41.7 million for an under-achieving quarterback from an under-achieving SEC team. My Lions fandom is off to a great start. He's gonna need that cannon of an arm…I sure hope he knows how to take a sack. Mel Kiper just backtracked on everything he's drooled out over the last 6 months, saying Stafford may not be Hall-of-Fame, but he could be good with proper coaching. Plus, my wife just asked how old Stafford was…15? Because an NFL team wants a quarterback that looks like he can't buy smokes yet. Great pick, fellas. You can make an average quarterback good with a solid offensive line, but stick a Pro-Bowler like Marc Bulger behind a patchwork line, and he can't stay on the field.

2. St. Louis Rams: What don't they need? With the loss of Orlando Pace, the Rams have a massive hole on the offensive line, Marc Bulger can't stay on the field, and they have maybe 3 viable defensive players on their roster.

The pick: Jason Smith, OT from Baylor. Predictable but solid choice. Smith should provide some stability, and if he sucks at left tackle, there's always right tackle, both guards, and the center, so the Rams have some flexibility. Which Marc Bulger doesn't have anymore.

3. Kansas City Chiefs: Another team that could use a number of positions, the Chiefs may go defense to shore up a unit that has sucked over the last few years. Herm Edwards is talking…what are the odds he talks too long and talks over the Chief's pick? But the Chiefs could easily go with Michael Crabtree to pair with new QB Matt Cassell and WR Dwayne Bowe.

The pick: Tyson Jackson, DE from LSU. Another strong choice. What am I going to make fun of if these GMs keep picking players who fulfill a need?

4. Seattle Seahawks: Putting my Streak for the Cash streak of 4 on the line here, predicting a quarterback to the Men in Blue to back up Matt Hasselbeck. Because we know what happens if he gets hurt again: See NFC West.

The pick: Aaron Curry, OLB from Wake Forest. Welp, there went my streak. Thanks, you Holmgren-less Bluehawks. Thanks a lot.

5. New York Jets from Cleveland Browns: No telling how they're going to screw this pick up. They may try and draft me, being stunned by my 5.2 40 yard dash in high school 10 years ago. Logically, Crabtree may land here, to try and give Anderson/Quinn another target alongside the soon-to-be-departed Braylon "Dropsies" Edwards.

The pick: Trade to New York Jets, who take Mark Sanchez. Solid choice, but Kellen Clemmons is looking over his shoulder. And by that, I mean looking over Sanchez's shoulder at the field. The announcers just said for the 3,658^th time that you can't win without a quarterback in this league. Really? You have to field someone to catch the snap? Just letting the ball roll around until someone on your team hopefully picks it up isn't a valid strategy? Thanks for that nugget, fellas.

6. Cincinnati Bengals: Looks like Andre Smith's family just gave away the pick. The OT from Alabama could be a decent pick, if he decides to stay on the field.

The pick: Smith, who's smiling like Fat Albert.

7. Oakland Raiders: No telling here, absolutely none. My guess? Al Davis drafts a new tracksuit and signs it to a $100 million guaranteed contract.

The pick: Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR from Maryland. WHAT? Even I expected Davis to fully take Crabtree here, since he thinks he can run a 4.4 40 on crutches. It's too bad DHB won't have any passes to catch, with JaMarcus Russell "throwing" him the ball. At least I have someone to make fun of now. Thanks, Al.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: Crabtree. I'm bound to get this right if I keep projecting him, right? Pair him with new addition Tory Holt, and MC can both learn AND impact a team in desperate need of solid wide receivers.

The pick: Eugene Monroe, OT from Virginia. C'mon, I'm a huge proponent of drafting linemen. I can't work with this stuff. Mel Kiper just went down a list of which former NFL linemen Monroe isn't. Great work, Mel, you're telling us Eugene Monroe is Eugene Monroe, not Anthony Munoz? How does this man make a living?!?!?

9. Green Bay Packers: With Dom Capers switching the team to a 3-4, the Pack are sure to go defense, probably B.J. Raji. Unless Brett Favre declares himself eligible though a loophole.

The pick: Raji, DT from Boston College. Guess Favre is staying retired this time.

10. San Francisco 49ers: My streak is palpitating. Crabtree's on the board, and would give whoever the hell the 49ers trot out at quarterback an actual option aside from Vernon Davis.

The pick: Crabtree, WR from Texas Tech. Although he only 'slid' to 10^th, if he stays healthy, Crabtree could be the steal of the draft. Either Shaun Hill or Alex Smith's tiny hands just became a valid fantasy quarterback.

11. Buffalo Bills: Aaron Maybin's on the phone, looks like the DE may be the next pick. With the recent pick up of Terrell Owens, the Bills' offense should be dynamite for 6 weeks, so the defense is a no-brainer pick.

The pick: Maybin, DE from Penn State. Hey, at least he's not a PSU running back, so he's got a chance to be productive.

12. Denver Broncos: Broncos. NFL draft. Get ready for a running back, likely Knowshon Moreno.

The pick: Moreno, RB from Georgia. Not a bad pick, but he won't be the next Herschel Walker, folks. Plus, Robert Ayers can continue taking his head off in practice. Good times.

13. Washington Redskins: who knows, with Snyder calling the shots. They've tried to get rid of Jason Campbell twice this offseason, so they'll probably take a safety.

The pick: Brian Orakpo, DE from Texas. Not a big name, so I'm not sure what Chainsaw Dan Snyder's going for here. But in the NFC East, strengthening your defense is never a bad idea.

14. New Orleans Saints: DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE!!!!

The pick: Malcolm Jenkins, DB from Ohio State. Now hopefully the Saints can try and stop people instead of winning games 42-38.

15. Houston Texans: I'm predicting the Texans draft a new name here. You're named after the state you're in? Brilliant, guys, just brilliant. I heard the University of Tennessee is changing to the UT Tennesseans, next year.

The pick: Brian Cushing, LB from Southern California. Another logical pick, the Texans beefing up a needy defense to go with a growing offense.

16. San Diego Chargers: Wide receiver? Corner? New distributor for Shawn Merriman?

The pick: Larry English, DE from Northern Illinois. Crap. I really can't make fun of this draft. The Chargers needed an end to help an aging defense, and got one.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers from Cleveland Browns from New York Jets: Kiper thinks they're going defense, so I say offense, maybe Chris Beanie Wells from Ohio State. They need another injury-prone running back.

The pick: Josh Freeman, QB from Kansas State. A semi-risky pick, especially as John Gruden loves old quarterbacks. But this may actually give them a chance to grow on offense, and with Kellen Winslow now taking up the tight end spot, this offense could be dangerous fast. But I was closer than Kiper. Time to apply to ESPN.

18. Denver Broncos: Somewhat akin to the Saints, the Broncos need DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE!!!!

The pick: Robert Ayers, DE from Tennessee. I may be biased here, but this easily passes the 49ers getting Crabtree as the steal of the draft. The Broncos once took a defensive standout from Tennessee by the name of Al Wilson, who became one of the fiercest hitters in the NFL. Good job, Coach "Patriots Cast-off" McDaniels. P.S. Robert, destroy Knowshon in practice daily, please.

19. Philadelphia Eagles: Say it with me now, kids, Wiiiii-duh Re-see-vurrrr…unless they can swing a deal for Anquan Boldin.

The pick: Jeremy Maclin, WR from Missouri. Hey, if he can do what DeSean Jackson did (minus the pre-touchdown ball-spike), the Eagles may have added another dimension to a lacking vertical game. Plus, he's white, and we always need more quality white receivers in the NFL.

20. Detroit Lions: So many holes, so few picks. Does it really matter? Offensive line might be the best way to go here, but the defense needs serious work. Maualuga?

The pick: Brandon Pettigrew, TE from Oklahoma State. Apparently the Lions have decided to go all offense with key early picks. Pettigrew may actually be a good fit, as I've heard he's adept at both blocking and pass catching, providing an additional threat for Stafford to throw to when Calvin Johnson's eleven-tuple covered.

21. Cleveland Browns: The Browns may need a replacement for Braylon Edwards, if they're able to unload his Butterfingers.

The pick: Alex Mack, OC from California. I'm not sure what an 'OC' is, but I'm assuming it's a center. And that's never a bad pick, especially when you need to keep your two young quarterbacks upright.

22. Minnesota Vikings: Get a quarterback! Get a quarterback! Get a quarterback! Get a quarterback!

The pick: Percy Harvin, WR from Florida. Another standout wide receiver from Florida sure to follow in the footsteps of other greats such as…um…well…Jabar Gaffney?

23. Baltimore Ravens from New England Patriots: Late trade I didn't catch, so no snarky comment(s).

The pick: Michael Oher, OT from Ole Miss. Blah. Nothing to say here.

24. Atlanta Falcons: Can they keep rising and soaring? A terrific rookie quarterback, Michael "The Burner" Turner, and new addition Tony Gonzalez could lead the way back to playoff relevance.

The pick: Peria Jerry from Ole Miss. Two Runnin' Rebels in a row? Who knew Ole Miss even had two players eligible for the draft? And I'm not talking academically, I'm talking athletically.

25. Miami Dolphins: Whoever the hell they pick, Bill Parcells will turn him into a Football Player. Because Bill Parcells is a Football Genius.

The pick: Vontae Davis, CB from Illinois. A strong pick. Especially in the AFC East, with Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, and Wes Welker in the division.

26. Green Bay from Baltimore Ravens: Beanie Wells may go here, with the Ravens looking to shore up some questionable running back depth. And believe me on this one, I had all 632 Ravens running backs on my fantasy team at some point last year.

The pick: Clay Matthews, OLD from Southern California. Matthews' clan has pre-made T-shirts. He might want to turn it into a heavy, heavy sweater for the Green Bay weather. With Raji, Matthews may lead to a new era of Packer defense. (Resisting packing 'joke' here…fighting urge…fighting…moving on to next pick…)

27. Indianapolis Colts: The Colts could use some offensive line help, as Jeff Saturday isn't getting any younger. If he was, he'd be a rich, rich man, because he'd have discovered the fountain of youth. But you figured that out already. Defense is a concern, too, because there are only so many transplanted bionic body parts for Bob Sanders to have implanted. Look for Maualuga to go off the board here.

The pick: Donald Brown, RB from UConn. Surprised the Colts went offense here, with their needs on defense, but Brown may provide an additional boost for a Colts' offense that is sneakily getting older.

28. Buffalo Bills from Philadelphia: With the Bills' early defensive pick, they may look to continue to beef it up with Maualuga or Laurinaitis. Or they could go offensive line to address the loss of Jason Peters to the Eagles.

The pick: Eric Wood, C from Louisville. They just showed his picture, and I think he was Chunk from The Goonies. Plus, we just got a great commercial with Drew "The Devil Incarnate" Rosenhaus. Good times, again.

29. New York Giants: WIDE RECEIVER. With the loss of Plaxico Burress, Elisha Manning now has no one to consistently catch his errant passes. Look for Hakeem Nicks here.

The pick: Hakeem Nicks, WR from North Carolina, and The Radio City Buffoons are in full force. Plus, I called another one. Admittedly, I didn't do that prior to the draft, but what good does that really do?

30. Tennessee Titans: Defensive minded, I don't see the Titans changing course here. There isn't really a standout wide receiver left to give to Collins/Young, so they'll probably go with Maualuga or Lauranaitis. And who painted on Sal Paolantonio's eyebrows? Those things look like caterpillars on steroids. Even my eyebrows are jealous of the guns on those things. Plus, the announcers just set a record for "Jeff Fisher" references in the span of 30 seconds at somewhere around 5 million while mentioning Anquan Boldin. I'm about to have a heart attack. A lot of Beanie Wells talk for a team with Shake and Bake. I mean Smash and Dash. Or fat and fast. Whatever.

The pick: Kenny Britt, WR from Rutgers. A 6'3 receiver from Jersey. Britt may be able to help the Titans' passing game, but rookie receivers have a history of needing at least one or two years to fully adjust to the NFL.

31. Arizona Cardinals: The defending NFC Champion Cardin…what? Oh yeah. The defending NFC Champion ARIZONA CARDINALS need help fending off the coming locust hordes and raining frogs. Chris 'Beanie' Wells may be able to provide protection from both with help from his rehabilitation equipment.

The pick: Chris Wells, RB from Ohio State. At least disappointment won't be new to him in the desert, so he should fit right in with the 'Cards.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers: Look for another solid pick from one of the most consistent franchises in sports. Think Maualuga or Lauranaitis. One of them is bound to go first round…

The pick: Ziggy Hood, DT from Missouri. A big body's always good for the defensive line to be able to take up space and create piles. Plus, I get to make a joke I'm sure is all over the internet already. But that's what you're paying me for, people. You want better? Gimme a raise.

Detroit Rock City

2009-04-25T15:54:00.002-04:00

Good times, and welcome back!

As we're now mere moments away from the 2009 NFL draft, I'm going to venture into territory that is probably bound to bring me serious flack from friends, and perhaps family, but bear with me. Additionally, I don't know how exactly this is going to work out, but I have legal backing from a sports authority, so I feel confident I can make this happen. I am attempting to turn myself into a Detroit Lions fan. Now, I know some may call me a sports bigamist for chasing this dream, so I can cite precedent: ESPN's Bill Simmons lays out the groundwork in his 2002 column, Rules for Being a True Fan:

Rule 19, bullet-point 2: You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport.

Okay, my reasoning/thinking (if you can call it that):

I didn't grow up near a professional team. When I was a kid in Knoxville, I didn't have a "favorite" team other than the Bills, and I don't really have a good reason why. I was always logo-oriented as a lad, and would root for some teams simply because they had a cool freaking lightning bolt on their helmet, or I could semi-accurately draw the classic red bison that seemed so imposing. Admittedly, I probably did bandwagon jump the Bills when they made their first Super Bowl run in 1989/1990 before falling to the Giants, but I've stuck with them to wavering degrees ever since, even when my aunt was calling them the Buffalo "Puff-Tuffs", nearly bringing me to tears.

The Oilers moved from Houston to Nashville when I was a junior in high school, living about an hour away. After high school, I moved back to Knoxville for college, where I pretty much only followed the Vols and Peyton Manning's career. By the way, he did complete that pass, thanks to his laser-rocket arm. And how are those amazing Florida quarterbacks doing now? Shane Matthews? Danny "The Awful Waffle" Wuerffel? Chris Leak? Rex Grossman? And before you Gator fans start (not that you can read this blog): Peyton, Todd Helton, Andy Kelly. One Super Bowl MVP, a first baseman who flirted with .400 multiple times, and the greatest Arena League quarterback
ever. But I digress.

By my count, I lived two years with the Titans before ending in Chicago. Now, I never really had any desire to be a Bears fan, and never made an attempt. Nothing against Da Bears, but I just couldn't follow a team knowing I was destined to leave the town.

Things going in my favor:

The Lions were 0-16 last year. So I can't be called a bandwagon
fan. But no matter the not-so-current
state of affairs, the team has a great
history. And great potential. I'll be living in the Detroit metro area. And most importantly, I want a hometown NFL team to cheer for. But to all my fellow Preds fans, get this right: I will NEVER cheer for the Red Wings, though. THAT ain't gonna happen. Seeing as I'll be living in Detroit for the rest of my foreseeable future, I figure I'll need a local team to root for, and the Lions are the best bet. I've got my baseball team, and my hockey team, so football's the way to go. Plus, I can get my lumps in early.

Here's your title track:

Detroit Rock City by KISS

And for your semi-relevant, blog-closing Simpsons quote:

Homer: Aw ... The Denver Broncos !?!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn't.
Homer: You just don't understand football, Marge.

Interested in Subscribing?

2009-04-16T17:18:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note on how to subscribe to my blog if you're not familiar with the process and interested in doing so. The easiest way to follow my ramblings is to scroll to the bottom of the page, click on "Posts (Atom)" and then choose "Live Bookmark". You can then choose "Bookmark Toolbar" from a drop down menu, make a new folder, name something like RSS/Blogs/Whatever you want, and have easy access to any sites you follow that offer RSS (really simple syndication) feeds.

Centerfield

2009-04-16T15:58:00.003-04:00

In honor of the new baseball season, here are some quick links to some entertaining diamond videos. Enjoy!

Switch-pitcher. That's right, a switch-pitcher in the minors.

Insane, behind-the-back pitch by Japanese pitcher. Somehow, it's called a strike, but this seems to be "set-up," as there are no people in the stands, and the batter isn't wearing a helmet. But it's still freakin' cool.

Droperatta Fairly funny clip set to operatic music. A good waste of about a minute.

Japanese Dropped Third Strike I'm not sure if Japanese rules are exactly the same as U.S. rules, but in the States this would not count, as there were both two outs (ending the inning) and first base was covered by a base runner. But still kind of funny to watch.

Denis Leary Announcing and ripping on Mel Gibson. After Denis finds out Kevin Youkilis is Jewish, he begins ranting on Mel, to hilarious results.

Here's your relevant YouTube video:

Centerfield by John Fogerty

And of course, you can't have baseball with the Simpsons:

The Softball Song from Homer at the Bat

Real American…No More

2009-04-16T13:19:00.002-04:00

This can't end well...

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I was not a huge professional wrestling fan, but I always enjoyed the rare Saturday morning growing up when I would get to watch a match with Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, or Bret 'The Hitman' Hart. I enjoyed it much more later on in my high school life in the late '90s, and actually got into a weekly routine of watching RAW at a buddy's house during the Degeneration X/Edge and Christian/Hardy Boyz/Stone Cold versus The Rock versus Vinnie Mac days. But those days are long gone. And for some reason I could never figure out, the former wrestling ICON…and he was HA-YUGE in the 80's/90's for you kids who don't know…always seemed to have an odd affinity for feather
boas.

Hulk, I'll leave you one piece of advice: don't do it. You might have thought it was cute or whatever to say you "understand" OJ, but the world won't care if you're just being cute and referencing Chris Rock. Spousal abuse is not a laughing matter. Unless delivered by Chris Rock. By the way, that link is vintage CR, so don't click if you are offended by blue material.

But I can't leave on a sour note, so here's something a little sad, but from someone who's given football fans hours upon hours of enjoyment.

Say it ain't so, Jo(hn)

So the great John Madden's retiring after forty years in the NFL? I'm blaming the breakout success of Frank TV. An all-time legend, Madden's career, once defined by a Super Bowl ring with the Raiders and a wonderful broadcasting career, came to a semi-sweet end after his video game franchise blasted through the roof. Madden's play-by-play ability seemed to go downhill after he became convinced he was constantly recording voice-overs for the game, and kept repeating "BOOM!" after "BOOM!" even though Pat Summerall kept attempting to tell him it was live, and he didn't need to keep saying "Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre" on end for hours at a time. Which was probably what drove Pat to drink.

But on a more serious note, I'd like to announce I have signed my own contract with Electronic Arts to introduce my very own video game: EA Sports' Jared Hefley TV Watching 2014. And if you think that's exciting, wait until the 2015 version: it's rumored to include enhanced beverage control. That's right. Getcha popcorn ready!

So now, without further ado, here's you post-title related video:

Real American

And of course, your Post Dose of the Simpsons!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Re-Birth of the Cool

2009-04-06T19:25:00.005-04:00

Good times, everyone, and welcome back.

While you're reading, why not listen to U2's Mysterious Ways? An all-time personal favorite, but don't watch it on acid, as I'm sure you might find a way to jump off of a cloud into a 40 foot marshmallow.

But to the crux of today: we have important, important things to discuss today before I head to the Laundromat. It's April 6th, spring is somewhere around the corner sneaking a cig before coming back late from its lunch break, the NCAA Championship is tonight, the NFL draft is soon, and in about a month, we get NBA and NHL playoffs. But most importantly, it's baseball's Opening Day.

Although the NHL playoffs probably will not include my Nashville Predators and I'll be forced to endure another offseason of my wife reminding me that her Red Wings won their 3,481^st championship, to quote ESPN Sports Guy Bill Simmons, "I'm convinced that's why we have to pay taxes in April -- it's the government's way of tainting the best month of the year." It only makes sense. So I'll break down some quick thoughts for the new month, point by point in a new segment I like to call, "No One's Reading this Far, So I Don't Have a Name for this Portion of the Blog Yet."

No One's Reading this Far, so I Don't Have a Name for this Portion of the Blog Yet

NFL

Draft season is coming, which means get ready for Mel Kiper, Jr.'s massively over-sprayed coif, and an army of reporters and "experts" telling you who every team's going to pick. I don't know, they don't know, and no one knows, because the 0-16 Detroit Lions own the first pick of the draft, and they may attempt to draft Charles Rogers. Again. I hear he's itching to play professional football again, and man, do the Lions love a big wide receiver. But in reality, they'll probably take a quarterback, and, as I'm mulling over the possibility of adopting the Lions as my hometown football team (which I'll chronicle in greater detail later), I will beseech the Lions brass to NOT take Matthew Stafford. He's a Gunslinger with a cannon, and iffy decision-making skills. Plus, he played at Georgia, so again, I can never fully root for a player from the SEC that didn't "graduate" from UT. Just like every other blogger in the Earth-region of the Milky Way, I'll be putting up a mock draft eventually, so I'll save that for later.

NHL Playoffs

I'm not entirely sure what this "hockey" sport is, as it's never televised in the U.S. on a channel that more than 5 people can watch at the same time, but I hear its fascinating. Grown men on skates? Yeah, that sounds like fun. Commish Bettman, please let them fight! I always loved going to a fight as a kid and having a hockey game occasionally break out. My favorite memory of the Knoxville Speed/Ice Bears was the rivalry between them and the Asheville 'Crack' Smoke*ers*. During one infamous game, the Asheville goalie skated up behind a Knoxville forward slow getting back down the ice and cracked him across the back of the head with his stick. In the only intelligent decision I've ever seen a referee make, they didn't see the play happen, but saw the guy on the ice, managed to figure out what happened (thanks to the 2000 or so fans screaming bloody murder) and kicked that j-off out of the game. Huh? What was that you say? The NHL? Umm…bet on Pittsburgh and King Crosby. My only hope is that the Red Wings don't win their second straight Stanley Cup, as this will surely lead to my first divorce.

Baseball Preview

Because I'm actually excited for baseball season this year, I'll give you a treat: a semi-sincere rundown with predictions:

AL East

Look for the Yankees and their $500 trillion dollar payroll to make a resurgence. With the newly acquired C.C. Sabathia and the oft-injured AJ "Burn for Leaving Toronto" Burnett leading the rotation, the Yanks should have a solid pitching staff to go with a stocked lineup that now includes Mark Texeira and Alex Rodri- oops, that's right, A-Rod's out for a bit. The circus that will come around once A-Rod returns should manage to distract the team enough for my Blue Jays to at least sneak in close to a Wild Card berth, but ultimately fall short as the Red Sox and Rays take the top two spots in the division, with the second-place team taking the WC. And Baltimore will probably still suck.

AL Central

Sorry, Midwest folks, but the AL Central may take the award for most boring division. Minnesota, Kansas City, Chicago, Cleveland, and Detroit. I fell asleep just typing that. The Twins catcher, Joe Mauer, apparently no longer has what is known as a "working back," so he probably won't hit .500 this year, no matter how many Twins fans think he's Jesus on a baseball field. And that's the religious Jesus, not the one that lives next door to me. Heck, Holy Jesus could probably only hit .346 with Mauer's back, and that may a little generous. If the Tigers don't at least make a push for the playoffs, Detroit may erupt in their yearly riot ahead of schedule. With Ken Griffey, Jr. back in Seattle, the White Sox's average age is now back somewhere around the 20's instead of 76 like last year, so they may make a run at the division pennant too. But Kansas City seems to be a trendy sleeper pick, so I'm going to pick Cleveland due to the fact that Jacob's Field is a beauty.

AL West

Another snoozer of a division. The Rangers, like always, are most likely going to be short on pitching and long on hitting, so the young batters are due to get tired of carrying the team, and I expect a mid-to-late-season swoon. Seattle? Doubt it. And even though the Oakland Athletics have a penchant for hanging around, I still say it's the Los Angeles Juevos of Berlin's (or whatever they're calling themselves now) division until someone proves otherwise.

NL East

Probably one of the more potent divisions in baseball, the defending champion Phillies, New York Sheffields, and Atlanta Braves will fight for the crown. Don't count out the continuously rebuilding/championship contending Florida Marlins from making a serious effort, either. But the Washington Nationals are playing like George W. Bush is managing the team. So I'll go with the Braves to sneak out the minor upset, with the Mets (really?) taking the wild card spot.

NL Central

Some ESPN "pundits" are expecting the Chicago Cubs to come back to Earth after last year's dream season/nightmare ending. But with a White Sox fan in the White House, do you really think the Cubbies need any more incentive to end their 100 year title drought? Albert Pujols (pronounced "Poo-holes") and a healthy Chris Carpenter can potentially carry the St. Louis Cardinals to a wild card berth, but asking Carpenter to stay healthy is like asking Dick Cheney to aim when he shoots. Not gonna happen. The Milwaukee Brewers will miss Sabathia's wins, but with the fat man no longer hogging the post-game buffet, the rest of the team will soon pack on 50 pounds each and get thrown out at first waaaay too often to win consistently. The Houston Astros will be the Houston Astros and not win the division. Cincinnati will languish at the bottom of the division and look towards next year.

NL West

Boooooriiiiiing. The Los Angeles Dodgers take this one easily, but Arizona may try to put up a fight. The Rockies? As much as I would love for Todd Helton to sniff the playoffs this year, it ain't gonna happen. The San Diego Padres? At least they're in San Diego and will have beautiful weather when they miss the playoffs.

Divisional Playoffs

Red Sox over Angels

Tampa Bay over Cleveland

Cubs over Braves

Mets over Dodgers

League Championships

Red Sox over Tampa Bay

Cubs over Mets

World Series

Cubs over Red Sox

There. And yes, I'm well aware that I'm certifiably insane for picking the Cubs to win. Why not sue me to get your subscription money back?

Black Magic Woman

2009-03-27T09:46:00.007-04:00

I'm in love with a new beauty, and I think I might leave my wife for her. An all-electric sports car? And it looks like a Porsche? And the company's named after a scientific wunderkind? Count. Me. In. Check out pics of the Tesla Roadster here, here, here, here, and the interior here. As for the Roadster, the only complaint that I MIGHT have is that the rear roll bar looks a little bit out of place in some pictures. But that's just being nit-picky.

Tesla Motors has also released more information regarding their new model, the S-Series. Pictures of the S are in short supply as of Google Image searches this morning, but should come more frequently now that the car has been revealed to the public. Or at least CNN.com's reading public. Here's the one pic I could find via Google.

Engadget.com has a brief article about the news release, stating the S will initially be around $60K, but government rebates will chop off around $7,500 on the sports sedan beauty. Attempts to contact Tesla were met by slow load times, but eventually yielded such interview-esque gems such as "The standard Model S does 0-60 mph in under six seconds and will have an electronically limited top speed of 130 mph, with sport versions expected to achieve 0-60 mph acceleration well below five seconds." When questioned about what should surely be small trunk space capacity, Tesla stated:

"The floor-mounted powertrain also results in unparalleled cargo room and versatility, as the volume under the front hood becomes a second trunk. Combining that with a four-bar linkage hatchback rear trunk and flat folding rear seats, the Model S can accommodate a 50-inch television, mountain bike *and* surfboard simultaneously. This packaging efficiency gives the Model S more trunk space than any other sedan on the market and more than most SUVs." ("Author's" Note: Now, I'm not sure what a floor-mounted powertrain is, or what any powertrain is for that matter, but there's just something about the thought of a sedan holding a big screen, a mountain bike and a surfboard, or hopefully a snowboard instead, that gets my motor revved.)

The S-Series also "can be recharged from any 120V, 240V or 480V outlet, with the latter taking only 45 minutes" and "expects to start Model S production in late 2011." So we're getting an extremely efficient, sexy beast of a car for around $50K?

So If you'll excuse me, I need to go take a very cold shower and finish sending out my resume.

Aloha!

Santana - Black Magic Woman

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

It’s the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)

2009-03-25T16:15:00.001-04:00

So I'm (and by that I mean Stacey—like she'd give me control over what she eats) grocery shopping at Meier earlier, and as soon as I walk, I see a nifty little sign: "Sanitary Cart Wipes." Now, I don't have a problem with Purel, and other similar disinfectants. Personally, I think they're fantastic after stuff like golfing, bowling, monkey-wrestling, whatever. What I can't stand, though, is people disinfecting every living and non-living thing within sight. It's like the George Carlin bit about swimming in the East River, and the strengthening it gave his immune system as a child.

*I had to clean that up a little for anyone familiar with how the original bit goes…he also describes when and why he washes his hands after using the restroom. But I digress.*

Now then, where was I? Right…sanitary wipes. How freakin' paranoid have we as a society gotten that we now need to wipe down grocery cart handles? I understand that people are concerned about Bird Flu, Monkey Flu, Shoe Flu, and any other billions of whatever influenza strain is coming around the mountain today, but really? Really? Do we really need to wipe down the grocery store carts? When did this happen? What made us so paranoid about touching anything that we now have to wipe down everything?

Now, let's take a moment and think about this. The human body has what is called "antibodies." Say it with me, kids, "An-Tee-Baa-Deez." Very good. Now, antibodies are what our body uses to fight off things such as influenza strains. However, antibodies are like boxers. Or MMA fighters for you kids who don't remember anything past yesterday. They need "training" in order to function at their highest level. And if you don't allow your body's antibodies to do their thing and consistently fight off germs that they can handle, eventually you're going to meet up with the Muhammad Ali of the bacterial/viral world and end up looking something like this. Now, with that image burned into your psyche, I will bid you all good day. I said GOOD DAY!

Aloha!

And now for something completely different:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83JDXXKzOXg

And to finish off, here's your Simpsons quote to take us out of the post:

Homer: "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

Imagine

2009-03-19T15:51:00.003-04:00

I know I'm setting a dangerous precedent by posting twice in one day, but "feh!" I say, "feh!"

This post will take a little more serious tone, as it pertains to a discussion I was in during class on Tuesday. The discussion arose when the subject came around the supposed dissolution of the "sense of community" in America.

Community tends to be a difficult term to argue about, because it can refer to a place, or the like-mindedness of a population within a well-defined or not area. And for this post, I'm talking like-mindedness, folks. I don't know what started this problem, and like most issues, it can probably be traced back to a gajillion different topics. Was it the widespread notion that children should go away to college? Or the proliferation of the car that enabled us to work in far-flung neighborhoods? Could it be the ease of access to information? Obviously, this blog isn't included in "information" as I plan to offer very little in the way of educational material, only dry jokes and inside humor four people might get. But I digress.

During class, the general theme presented seemed to focus on rapid information as the primary source, but I think I lean towards the automobile and its effects on society. How am I supposed to relate as a planner to the concerns of a populace that I may or may not have daily, direct contact with? I absolutely hope that I can, but it will be a struggle to find common ground, show the residents I work with that I do care, that I'm not some yuppie out to simply make a buck. Because THAT sure ain't gonna happen. I think we all know at least six planners that are absolutely BANKING coin. Meh

But to get back to my point, many of us live nowhere near where we work. We aren't invested in the daily concerns of the neighborhoods we frequent for eight hours a day. We put in our time, and get out of Dodge ASAP. But maybe that's why we don't live near work when we have the choice. That drive-time barrier provides a sort of sanctuary from the issues we deal with in our own communities. But millions of people don't have that choice and are forced to look for work close to their home due to not being able to afford a car, or lack of adequate child care, or a whole host of other reasons. So those of us entering the planning profession, and those already there are forced to fight new battles with old tools.

How do we encourage people to reinvest in their community, instead of leaving at 5pm and saying "sayonara, suckers!"? People obviously take an interest in the area they live in, but too often ignore the area they work in for one-third of their day. Should we try to develop insular communities for people to live and work in? New Urbanism tried this, but it doesn't seem to have worked, and often is seen as a veiled racist effort, as the majority of people who live in pre-destined housing with circular roads and neighborhood shops are white. Many planning efforts are geared either towards housing, or to employment, but without the other the one may be destined for failure. Is there a new path that can take us past the tried and true methods of activism, strikes, boycotts, and sit-ins to produce real change and open peoples' eyes to the problems others face in the two communities we all find ourselves in daily? Or will we further fragment? I wish I knew, but when I get an idea (any day now…I've been waiting for years) you'll be the first to know.

Aloha!

And now for your random Simpson's quote—Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Santos L. Halper

2009-03-19T15:10:00.005-04:00

I am more than happy to announce a new member of the Hefley clan. I'm not exactly sure how this happened, but he's black, so I'm assuming this may have something to do with the fact that our milkman is part Chihuahua. And for some reason, I have become a magnet for homeless Chihuahuas over the last few years.

It all started a couple of years ago when I rescued a little lady from the Wendy's on Cumberland Avenue between classes. Penelope, as she is known, is a wonderful little lass who currently resides in Knoxville with my uncle. She became rather attached to his other adopted daughter, Chelsea, so when I moved out, it seemed extremely mean to break up the band. She still gets a little crazy when her adoptive father comes in town, so I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

The second Chi entered my life after my then-girlfriend, now wife adopted from PFONG, or Pet Friends of North Georgia. Chipper's been with us for about 3 years now, and has taken up Old Man status around the house. He's a great dog, but severely attached to his mother, and barely pays me any notice, except when I come bearing grub.

But the most recent addition came to us in a more roundabout way. A couple of friends of mine in Chicago were driving home Saturday, when they noticed some cars on the side of the Dan Ryan Expressway, and pulled over to see what the hub-bub was. Turns out the drivers of the other cars were attempting to corral a small dog to no avail. According to legend, when Josh got out, though, the dog hopped right in the car. Kind of King Arthur/Sword in the Stone-ish, right? Well, due to the fact that they already own a Bodie-dog, and reside with a Chili-dog, too (mmm….chili-dog) they weren't sure if they could tolerate three male dogs in one townhouse. So here comes "I can't turn down an adorable, semi-homeless dog Jared" to the rescue. Of course. My Thursday class got cancelled, so I left for my non-collegiate home a day early to surprise my wife, and present her with a new dog, which she quickly took to. Chipper, though, has kept his reservations about this intruder, but seems to be getting along with him. At least for now. His name is Wentworth (for the street he was found on), and he is a cute little bugger, even if he doesn't go to sleep easily, but we expect big things from him in the future. I'm hoping starting outfielder for the Blue Jays, while my wife is leaning towards doctor. But as long as he doesn't end up a lawyer, I think we'll be happy!

Until next time, aloha, folks!

Blaze of Glory

2009-03-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

So I woke up yesterday to banging. Banging and yelling. I thought my roommate had locked himself out of the apartment again. Something I have done myself. Then there’s the smoke detector going off in the distance as well. You want to talk about how fast a human being can jump out of bed, put on clothes and grab a computer? Put me down for 30 seconds.

My apartment caught fire yesterday. There’s nothing that can kick your life into overdrive quite as fast as a fire can. After throwing myself together, I ventured out into the unknown to see if I could escape only to be met with a wall of smoke. You want to talk discombobulating? Try moving through an apartment you know well (because it’s roughly 2.5 square feet), only you can’t breathe and you hear an axe going to town on your neighbor’s door. I managed to crawl through the living room with a towel on my face (the only thing I could do from elementary school fire safety training) and knock on the door to let the firemen know someone was still in our apartment. Did they hear my feeble knocks? Maybe, maybe not. But I quickly moved from the living to the kitchen window to get some air and wet the towel so I could breathe, the only other thing I remembered from said fire training. You know that feeling when you’re sitting by a campfire and the wind changes, and you get a facefull of smoke? Try staying there without the breezes blowing that smoke towards your buddies. Not good times.

Now, I should say that the 4^th floor of my building does not have direct access to the fire escape. This would have been a good thing to notice before I moved in, but whatever. Noticing stuff is overrated. As I’m looking out the window to a one-story drop to the nearest escape landing, one of the firemen notices I’m still in the building, and motions for the ladder truck to move closer to the building. As they’re extending the ladder, an alien comes in and tells me to follow him downstairs. At this point, I figured I’m either dead or he might have been a fireman in a previous life. So I went with the man in the weird mask.

Now, the key thing I forgot about in my mad dash to not be naked outside was that the temperature dropped from Tuesday to Wednesday. About 25 degrees. So I didn’t grab a jacket, only the thin hoodie I was wearing at the time and proceeded to freeze for a couple of hours until we could go back in the building. But at least it wasn’t raining, too.

How did the fire start, and what was the extent of the damage, you might ask? Well, it apparently started as an electrical short in a third-floor bathroom that then spread through the walls. One of which I crawled by on my adventure through Smoke Room. The fire department had to rip out sections of the ceiling in order to dump water down four floors. So my living room is a lake, the wall between our living room and the neighbor’s bathroom disappeared, and I could see the sky through the ceiling. Surreal? You bet. Especially when you’re standing in your living room a mile or so inland from Lake Michigan and hear seagulls.

Everything ended up okay (except for the building), and hopefully people will get to move back in this weekend, but I’d like to give a huge shout out to DJ and Josh for letting me crash on their couch for a couple of days, and a huge shout-out to the Chicago Fire Department for getting everyone out safely. So my stuff smells like a barbeque, I met a few more neighbors, and it wasn’t raining. Not a great day, but a decent one. Can we say low expectations?

Welcome!

2009-03-08T15:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, where, oh where to start? I suppose I should introduce myself and what I'm doing. Although, in all likelihood, the only people reading this are going to be me and my wife's dog. And that's before he gets fed up and leaves me to my own devices. Eh, whatever.

Who am I? To avoid the psycho-babble/philosophical/metaphysical rantings that will surely come later, I am currently attending the University of Illinois at Chicago and pursuing my Master's Degree in Urban Planning, with a concentration on Community Development. I received my Bachelor's from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville (Go Vols!--a sure-to-be-recurring theme) in Sociology. However, I soon decided that I neither wanted to flip burgers or teach for the rest of my life, so I bit the bullet after some cajoling by my wife and re-entered the student populace. And I've loved every minute of it. Except for the homework.

I'm originally from Tennessee, and yes, sometimes I type with an accent. I was married in October 2008 to the light of my world, who will surely look at this as a GINORMOUS waste of time. But I have a little-known egotistical streak a mile-wide, so I'm taking a leap off of D-bag point and pretending as if people will want to know how/why I think the way I do. Plus, I can use this platform to rant and rave about any and everything. But, I digress. I'm a Southern boy living in the North and hope to have some nice stories to tell.

Unfortunately, I am still enrolled in school for the time being, so posts may be sparse for the near future, but rest assured: I have opinions, and WILL share them. On everything from tv to baseball to hockey to books to wine to food and back around to whatever I feel like. I won't curse, but will rather contract to words such as "d-bag," because, well, that's just how I want to do things. Everything else, you can figure out in the future. I'll leave you with some 'H' approved sites to bide your time until I return, and in the words of Adam Carolla, "Mahalo!"

Suggested blogs/sites:
http://oslos30th.blogspot.com/ (My buddy Os, a catchy writer)
http://www.tiricosuave.com/ (But be warned, foul language abounds)
http://jeffvrabel.com/ (Another fave of mine)
http://www.newcommunities.org/ (A Chicago planning-based blog)